First off, if you're reading this :) thanks, I just made this blog so I could vent...so if anything comes of it great.
The topic has stated above is long lost love, so yes it will sound overly girly, especially for a guy..but that's who I am :P
I can still remember how my relationship with her started, for the sake of this post, I'm going to call her Mariah. It was September 13th, I remember because I only saw her because she made my friend Joanna a cake on her birthday, which was the 13th. She came over and asked my friend Kyle to give it to Joanna, then she stayed, for whatever reason. And this was probably my first screw up, I was talking about third wheels because I felt like one, I was hanging out with like 5 people, Sarah, Katelin, Matt, Kyle, and Mariah, Sarah and Matt were a couple so they were down each others throats, Katelin was a puppet so she wouldn't leave Sarah, and Kyle and Mariah were talking.
I liked Katelin, at that point, I didn't realize she was a puppet, so anyway on October 22nd I invited Sarah to sit with us at lunch, I figured one day thing and she would bring Katelin along. So on the 24th she did, her, Katelin and Mariah. So I talked to her on facebook, talked about people, she asked for my number all that jazz.
Anyway, we soon became the best of friends, she'd call me everyday at 9pm, so we could talk for an hour, every single day we would text all day, even though she was dating my friend Jeff. Then when they broke up, I realized I hada thing for her, so I hinted at it and this was awful for her and she was scared and worried so I backed off.
She became infatuated with this guy Brandon, who was in a 3 year relationship, well him and his gf broke up, so him and Mariah became friends with benefits. Which teared me up inside. Well when she told me I voiced my opinion, "If I could I'd tie him to four different horses and send them all different directions" I told her. She took it has I wanted to fight him, so she told him that I wanted to fight. Which made him all defensive and he demanded my number and threatened to fight me.
After we conversed soon he told me, that they weren't actually doing anything anymore and that now he was trying to get her with me, because I actually cared for her. I don't know if I shouldn't have believed him, but he seemed sincere enough. It was february 16th. He had finally convinced her to give me a shot, so I took the oppurtunity, because in my mind I always had this belief that, when I would date a girl that I cared for, she'd like me back.
February 17th, 16 hours through our relationship, she dumped me over text. At first I was mad, but I figured I shouldn't take it out on her, because if I do I lose her completely. That's why I played it cool, it was about a week later she sent me the first picture...she said that she had accidentely cut her arm on the desk, but in reality she had cut herself and had picked at the scab to where it became an oval.
Then about half a week later she'd send me a picture of her arm, competely cut up, over the phone she counted the number, 192 cuts. :/ this hurt me because well honestly, she promised me she would never do it again, I liked her still and her dad found out. So she got sent to this place for a month where she couldn't talk to her friends, have fun...it was basicallya crazy house.
To cut a lot out of the story, when she came back, she needed to go to this step down program. And her friend katelin asked me where is my best friend(referring to Mariah) so I figured why not tell, so I told her. It was March 25th, Mariah called me and asked how one of her exes found out about this, I told her the only person I told was Katelin, so she hung up the phone and called Katelin, who just so happened to be on the line with Sarah.
When she called back she flipped on me, apperently I yelled it across the buss, even though I sent it one seat back, when the bus was almost empty. So she said I'm done and hung up. Well two days later I got a text from Sarah at 10:57 am that said Mariah had killed herself.
I just about lost my mind, because now not only was I losing her but I also felt responsible. I texted some of Mariah's friends asking what happened, but they didn't know either. So I ended up freaking out until about 5pm when she texted me and said "payback's a bitch."
She wasn't dead, it was all a joke, to harm me mentally. So I refused to talk to them, as it turned out Mariah got sent to her aunts because she couldn't finish the school year.
It was a month later, Mariah texted me and apologized, I decided it's fine, she has mental issues I can't really be mad at her, we wouldn't talk at all. It was another month later, when I felt I might as well figure out how she felt, when i texted her. It took her 2 hours to respond, and then after 30 minutes she stopped. A month and a half later June 13th, she called me and flipped out because she found out when she faked her death i felt upset and angry.
She called me the other night and I couldn't answer, as there was a sleeping baby in the room, and she hasn't talked to me since, rhat was July 3rd.
I wonder if I'm a creep, I have a text saved in my phone from February 15th, the first and only time she said I love you to me and I almost forced it out of her. I go on her facebook everyday, just to scroll her wall and see what she'd doing now. I sleep with my phone opened to that text. All day I think about how if I'd have done one small thing different, if right now she'd love me still.
It sucks a lot, because I still like her and I just have to face the reality that I wasn't fucking good enough for her! That we could never seriously happen. That even though I treated her better then her best friends, or her boyfriends or her family, that she doesn't ven care about me. We haven't had a serious conversation since February 26th. It's just terrible, because all of it's lost, I doubt it can ever happen again, I feel guilty and I genuinely feel guilty.
Sometimes I sit and wonder why did I like her, she's slow, crazy and more times than not mean. But I think back, to the days when I let her drag me away from the girl I liked, or the last time I saw her, even though she had just barfed she still looked beautiful. And that's the thing, she isn't a skinny, slutty bitch. She actually has weight on her. I just don't get it, I like a girl who is my complete opposite in personality, and we can never be together :(
I have it set up so you can comment, just let me clear a few things up I'm 17, she was not my first girlfriend.
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